A's Suicide Note
by bloodcoveredfangirl
Summary: Basically what the title says; A's suicide note. My version of A's death. Rated M for suicide, blood and slight yaoi.


**A/N Warnings: suicide, self-harm, blood and sexual themes. Also spoilers for Death Note: Another Note **

Beyond Birthday stood looking at the bath in his and A's bathroom. The water turned red with blood; A's blood. There lying in the bloody water, completely naked except for a dog collar that B had given him, was BB's lover, A, the arteries in his wrists had been cut and were still bleeding. He was dead. No name and no numbers above his head, he was paler than he had ever been. His eyes were closed. He was looking so peaceful in the pool of his own blood. The blade that had been used to kill the small blonde lay on the floor next to the bath covered in blood. A's right arm hung out of the bath, the blood was dripping from his wrist and onto the floor. On the wall written in blood was a message it read "I love you, B"

The red eyed boy let tears fall from his eyes as he looked at his now dead lover who took his own life. So much blood… B could not look at the scene anymore, turning his head to the side, he spotted A's glasses and a piece of paper next to the sink. B picked up the glasses and looked at them before he put them in his pocket. Then he picked up the paper, it was A's suicide note written in A's small, neat and calm seeming handwriting. B took a deep breath and read it;

"_My dear B,_

_By the time you read this I will be dead. I want you to know that I love you and that I am sorry but I cannot go on living it's just so, so very hard and I cannot take it anymore._

_The pressure to become L is far too much for me. You are probably thinking why I did not simply run away if that was the case. Please understand that I could not live with myself if I did that, also I have nowhere to go. I would end up on the streets, it would be better if I died, then I would not be a burden to the world._

_You have probably seen this coming. You know I have been cutting myself. You shouted at me for it when you bandaged me up but I never listened. You know more than you let on. I still do not know how you found out my real name; Aden Andrews. I only wish that I knew yours. I am sure your real name is beautiful just like you are._

_My most treasured memory is when you told me you loved me. I was so happy that you felt the same way that I did, B you are the love of my life. Do you remember it? That day when you confessed your feelings for me? I was studying all night and you told me to go to bed and I did not listen. You kissed me then, told me how much you cared about me and that you did not want me to overdo it. You make me happy; you always make me happy, every time you say the words 'I love you' it makes me happy. That night we had sex for the first time. You were never gentle, you always did me hard and as we did it more and more you did me harder and harder but I always loved it; the feeling of you thrusting in and out of me hard was amazing and the harder the better. I always loved it when you dominated me and when you were forceful. I enjoyed the bondage, being tied up, beaten and banged by you, it make me feel so good. So thank you, B._

_But now you can never do that again, I am sorry. The only regret I have about this is leaving you behind, alone in Wammy's. Please B, do not leave even if you do not become L, stay at Wammy's, it is a good place really. Live your life to its fullest. I know that you can become the next L and even surpass him. Do not mourn me, do not go looking for vengeance. L did not kill me, I did it myself. I was not good enough for L… and I was nowhere near good enough for you… and that is my fault and my fault alone. L, Mr Wammy and Rodger have nothing to do with it. It is all me. The pressure is too much I cannot be L and there is nothing else for me. B, please find someone else, find a new lover and be happy, that is all I want._

_You did make me happy, but that happiness was only when I was alone with you, I love you the collar you gave me means so much to me because it was from you. But nobody else likes me, I know that. L told me I have to work harder but I cannot, I know I am disappointing him but there is no way I can work harder, it is over, this is the only way I can be free of this hell that I call a life. _

_B, I also want to thank you for everything. You were always there for me when I had a problem. You always comforted me when I had a nightmare. You tried to make me believe that my parents' deaths were not my fault (even though it was.) You made my short life happier. I know that you tried to stop me from doing this, you hind my blades, ropes and pills, but still I got hold of a knife. I will use it to kill myself. Cut my wrists and bleed to death in the tub. Not a bad way to go. Better than burning to death or something. I know you have a fascination with blood and no doubt there will be a lot of it…_

_I will be with my parents now. Well if I go to heaven that is… suicide is a sin after all, you know taking your own life that God gave you is meant to be precious and cherished but I am useless my life is worth less than anyone else's… even the worst criminals are worth more than me. But do not worry about me. Forget me. I will miss you and I think you will miss me too, I am so sorry. I am ready now… ready to die. Maybe I will be with you in the next life, whatever that is. I hope I will be._

_My funeral will most likely be arranged by Mr Wammy, I have no preferences but I would like it if you were there B, you know... to say your goodbyes to me._

_Goodbye B, I would say it to your face, but if I did that you would not have let me do it, so this letter with have to do besides you are sleeping right now and I do not want to wake you up, I hope that you will be able to sleep after this. I just want you to know that I love you so much and that I am sorry. Goodbye my beautiful B. Let us meet again._

_And to anyone else who reads this letter I have nothing to say. I only care about B and if you somehow read this before him I want you to give it to him and let him read it. Do not keep it from him; he deserves to see it even if it upsets him I am sorry for that too, B. _

_Goodbye everyone._

_B, __さようならは、私はあなたを愛し_

_Aden Andrews, A.K.A, A or Alternate."_

B read the note several times the tears were now all over his face and dripping on the paper slightly, he could not stop crying no matter how hard he tried. He looked back to the body in the bath and walked towards it. He kissed A on the lips and said through the tears "I am sorry Aden, I cannot stay here. I will avenge you because it _**WAS**_ L's fault, he made you do this! He put far too much pressure on you… I will surpass him, I have to there is no other way I'll ruin him, I will punish him for what he did to us… I love you so much and always will there is no moving on. You are the only one for me and you are… where… no burden… it is my eyes, by the way, I see peoples' real names and their life spans with the eyes of a shinigami. I knew you would die today but I thought I could stop it… I was wrong... My name… it is… Beyond Birthday… I should have told you that when you were still alive… I am sorry my love." B kissed A again on his cold lips. A foolish, broken part of him was hoping A would kiss him back, that he would open his beautiful brown eyes and be alright or that B would wake up himself and be lying next to A who was sleeping naked next to him like he did every night and that all this was a horrid, horrid nightmare. That was not the case. A was dead. Really dead.

B left the room and calmly walked into Rodger's office to tell him that A was dead and to show him the note. B's mind disconnected from his body he did not remember the conversation with Rodger and Mr Wammy nor did he remember A's body being removed from the room nor did he remember the announcement to the other Wammy children and their reactions to it.

B went to the funeral like A wanted him to. He did not cry until everyone left then he broke down crying his eyes out looking at the tombstone '_R.I.P ADEN "A" ANDREWS. A KIND HEARTED SOUL.' _Was written on it. He stayed there for hours in the pouring rain getting soaked in both rain and tears.

B held A's note and glasses carefully in his hands covering them with his body to keep them dry "I love you," he said sadly "and I miss you already." He looked away back at the Wammy's house then back at A's tomb stone. "申し訳ございませんが、私の愛" he whispered sadly. Beyond Birthday would never be the same again.

He walked back to Wammy's after several long hours of crying, he went to their shared room and packed a bag taking his clothes, jars of jam, all 13 volumes of Akazukin Chacha, make-up, a book on drugs and chemistry, nails, straw, a box of matches, a baseball bat, A's ropes, the knife A used to kill himself, a photo of him and A kissing, A's glasses and the note. He then left a note of his own that simply said "_FUCK YOU L!" _in very large, messy, angry seeming hand writingand then he walked out, never to go back. He left to commit the L.A BB murder cases, to attempt to burn himself alive, to be arrested by Naomi Misora and then to be killed with a heart attack on the 21st of January, 2004 by the mass murderer know to the world as 'Kira'; Light Yagami.

**A/N yeah… I just felt like writing something depressing…**

**Translations; "****さようならは、私はあなたを愛し" ****means "Goodbye, I love you," and "****申し訳ございませんが、私の愛" ****means "I am sorry, my love"**

**Also most of the things B took are the things he used in his murders.**


End file.
